Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, RAIL GUNS

So, I just watched the second trailer for Monster Hunter Wilds...
Actually, why don't you watch it first, and we'll talk after.

Here it is:

While most of the trailer focused on these burrowing leviathans (actual monstrological taxon) called Balahara, we did get a glimpse at another monster at the tail end of the trailer. Now, long-time Monster Hunter fans will immediately have picked up on two important details here:

1. This is likely the flagship monster for Monster Hunter Wilds

Every Monster Hunter game has a flagship monster, which are kind of like the box legendaries in Pokémon. Basically, its the monster at the center of the game's story.

2. It's a flying wyvern

Flying wyverns are another taxon in the Monster Hunter series, which consists of large, typically bipedal monsters with one pair of wings. Although, some species of flying wyverns prefer a quadrupedal posture with the wing arms contacting the ground and contributing to locomotion.

But you saw the headline of this article. You know I'm not here to gush over this game, which I'm VERY excited about and can't wait to spend 2000 hours of my life on. This article is going to have something to do with... railguns?

Oh yes, I'm here to get angry at video games for their depictions of railguns. And the new Monster Hunter trailer is relevant in the rant that you're about to witness because... This is a railgun:

Electricity is being conducted. Blue sparky bits splay out from the sides.

The rails are primed! Synthwave noises intensify!

SKA-DOOSH!!!

This is how railguns are depicted in every video game. You and I both have seen it a million times. Whether they're called "railguns," "coil guns," or "Gauss guns" - they're all ostensibly the same thing, and they all work specifically in this manner.

Except that they don't.
Not really.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but railguns aren't just science-fiction or a class of weapons specific to video games. They are are real thing that exists in the real world. How they work is not a secret, or an eldritch mystery, or even particularly difficult to understand.

Inside a railgun there are two rails, along which an electromagnetic field is conducted. Between those rails sits a big stinkin' metal-jacketed projectile that gets accelerated and YEETED out of the gun by the electromagnetic forces.

And that thing goes fast.
We're talking over 3000 meters per second fast.

That is this many feet per second for any American Republicans out there who still don't know that you can use Google to check facts.

All of this is to say that, contrary to what video games would have you believe, rail guns do not shoot high-density science energy! There are no bits or bobs splaying out from the sides of the gun when it's ready to fire. There are no intensifying dubstep noises. There is no blue science magic arcing and crackling between the rails.

There's just a loud bang from the shockwave of an object suddenly being accelerated to almost 9 times the speed of sound. And that is followed by a big old fart cloud of molten metal and other particles flying every which way as the projectile hits its target with, and I quote: "the kinetic energy of a school bus weighing 5 metric tons, traveling at 509 km/h." (Thanks, Wikipedia!)

Republicans, I showed you how Google works. You need to start doing it yourself now.

Allow me to address the elephant in the room.
(A good day to you, Mademoiselle Loxodonta!)

This Monster Hunter trailer is a stupid thing to use as a springboard into this whole rant about railguns in video games. Because, obviously, Capcom isn't claiming that their new flagship monster is a railgun. At the time of writing this stupid article, I don't yet know what the thing is going to be called in the game, but clearly it's not going to be "Railgunceros."

And that really just undermines this entire article, doesn't it? Because the heart of the problem with video game railguns isn't really even the way they're depicted functioning. The problem is that the video games are calling them "railguns." Because that leads to people thinking either that railguns are science-fiction, or worse, that the nonsense we see in video games is technology that really exists.

Video game railguns function like made-up science-fiction weapons and if only they had made-up science-fiction names, I wouldn't be raving like a lunatic over here.

The flying railgun lizard in Monster Hunter Wilds is going to have a made-up fantasy monster name. And it's going to be fine. It's not going to be a problem at all. And why am I even focusing on the wyvern from the trailer, when I could have literally written this article about any of these:

MK-84 Accelerator Railgun
Image credit: System Shock Wiki

Gauss Rifle
Image credit: Fallout Wiki

RS-422 Railgun
Image credit: Helldivers Wiki

Man-portable railgun
Image credit: Metal Gear Wiki

Railgun
Image credit: Grand Theft Auto Wiki

Hey-ho, you live and learn.
This is only my second blog post - I'm sure I'll get better at it.

Or maybe...!
No. Could it be?
Was I just very cleverly laying a foundation for the following point:

The trope that video games perpetuate about railguns is so unbelievably specific, consistent and ubiquitous that even if you remove the entire gun aspect of it, we'll still immediately recognize it as a railgun! The games I've played have so thoroughly conditioned me to recognize the video game railgun that my brain is able to spot it in a 4-second video clip where it is blended into the design of a fantasy creature.

I'll say that again and I want you to really think about it this time.

Through the act of simply playing a great variety of video games across a long span of time, the part of my brain that handles pattern recognition has become so practiced at recognizing the video game railgun trope, that I can immediately spot it in a 4-second video clip where it is blended into the design of a fantasy creature.

I can't say I'm super thrilled to learn this about myself. Like, this is not a skill I'd ever knowingly want to practice. The only way I could have possibly picked this up is by seeing a whole helluva lot of it.

So, let me propose some new rules for the video game industry going forward:

You are not allowed to call a weapon in your video game a "railgun" unless it is at least somewhat faithfully trying to represent the real form and function of a railgun.

If you are going to include a weapon in your video game that has the glowy bits splaying out from the sides, and the energy arcing between the open rails, and it makes the intensifying dubstep noises, and it shoots super-condensed nonsense energy... Then you have to come up with some other name for it yourself.

Anyway.

Many apologies to everyone at Capcom for dragging you into this. You are all innocent victims of the Video Game Railgun Syndrome, just like the rest of us. The real villains of this story are the game developers who...

Ferromagnetic Infantry-use Next Generation Railgun
Image credit: Resident Evil Wiki

Capcom, you bunch of absolute tits.😂